M.S

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“No, no. I think he really did love you”

— Something my drunk best friend said to me, which both soothed and broke my heart at the same time (ms)

scarred-teenager

“I think you knew what you had, you weren’t too young, or too naive, or too blind to see. You felt it deeply, you felt it ignite your bones and light a fire in your eyes. I know, because of the way you would look at me. As if I was the cure for cancer. You would hold me as if you knew that letting me go would make me shatter like glass. You knew exactly what you had. I think that just like your favorite meal, you ate it up too quickly. It was like you jumped straight into the deep end of the water instead of starting at the shallow end. Like igniting the camp fire with gasoline instead of using sticks and twigs and newspaper scrunched up into little balls. It’s like you went straight into the chorus without singing the intro. Or putting your sneakers on before your pants. Doing the test without the homework. You missed the build up, the moment before, the part right before the bomb goes off. Now the fire has burned out and ash is all that remains and only now do we realize that we should have savored the sweet moments, the build up, the moment before the climax.”

— The importance of little things (m.s)

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“I don’t think anyone really knows how to let go” she said. “You just make a choice: Continue in this toxic cycle or break it. Nobody knows how to do it. You wake up and allow the sadness to pour out of you like rainfall but then find the strength to go about your day. It’s surrounding yourself with friends even though you want to go back to bed and cry. It’s about not texting him back when he begs for another chance, but then also not beating yourself up when you call him three times because you miss the sound of his voice. It’s about reminding yourself, constantly, repeatedly, that he isn’t going to change for you and that he hurt you over and over and over. You have to make active choices everyday. Some days you won’t get out of bed, some days you’ll step into the shower but you won’t wash yourself - you’ll just let the water burn your skin, you’ll eat a cookie for breakfast because that’s all you can stomach. But you know what, they are all small steps. And that’s all you can take. Is small steps. Celebrate those small steps and before you know it, you’ll have done what you thought you couldn’t do”

- small steps baby (ms, 2018)

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“Narcissists paint themselves a picture of them being the victim. They are offended by the truth and it’s like fuel to the fire burning within them. Remember darling girl, he is a child in a mans body. He has so much trauma, so much pain, so much self pity for himself that of course he is going to try and bring you down. Of course he will say hurtful things. None of it is true. It’s his way of making himself feel better about how much of an awful person he is.”

— my mother’s pep talks (ms - 2020)

And if I amount to nothing

And achieve little

All I hope

Is to leave this earth

A little nicer

And a little kinder

Than how you left me

(ms - 2021)

“I’m not sad anymore, only bitter. Bitter that there is a boy who walks this earth with no second thought, to the destruction and hurt he leaves in his wake. And takes no ownership of the deliberate hurt he inflicted to those who loved him most.”

Boys mature slower than women (Ms - 2020)

And in anointing me as the cure to your problems, you drowned me in sorrows. And bruised me with unresolved trauma. Weighted me down with unvisited grief. Blamed me for your misfortunes. Misfortunes you’ve had long before I came into the picture. And years have passed. But I sometimes still feel the weight. The lack of air. The tightness around my throat. The drowning feeling. And it takes a moment. To remember I’m free. I’m free I’m free I’m free

- Swimming Against the Current (ms - 2021)

I minded my business, I kept my peace. I didn’t get angry, I didn’t get even. And yet I still received abusive messages, manipulative actions and begs of forgiveness. And even then, I didn’t reply, I didn’t fight back, I didn’t even defend myself. But in doing so, I stayed true to myself. And you continued to show your true colours.

You always said I was more mature (ms - 2019)

“You kept me like a secret but I kept you like an oath”

All Too Well, Taylor Swift (10 Minute Version) (Taylor’s Version)

scarred-teenager

“In what world can lovers be friends Could you handle the gossip of who I went home with last night Would you want to discuss details of how I am falling for another How he is Prince Charming and doesn’t toy with my trust What if I told you, over coffee and chai lattes that I am meeting his parents and I need you to help with my nerves Could you handle how he loves taking photos of me and blasts it all over social media Wouldn’t it hurt you and fill you with regret that he does all that you once didn’t and he is the reason behind the smile you always loved Wouldn’t it be like salt to the wound that I’ve achieved happiness Happiness that I searched for from you but could not find?”

— Run yourself a bloodbath, (ms, 2018)

“I remember crying out to the moon, begging for reprieve. To be free of his chains. To experience a true, gentle love. What I don’t remember, is the small hints the universe gave me, that she was listening. The paths she paved for me to find safety. Finding the key to unlock the chains he had around my life. The distance she put between us. The strength she gave me to say no. To set boundaries. To tell him I don’t deserve the abuse. The control. The manipulation. The games. The hurt. In the depths of my pain, and in the midst of my trauma, the universe delivered in ways my gratitude cannot begin to repay.”

(Ms; from 2020)

“And I loved you so badly, that I let you treat me like that. Who is to blame here? Who is at fault? You pulled the trigger but I held the gun out for you”

(ms - 2021)